Grief

Grieving is so personal....My husband of 57 1/2 years died last month.  He was diagnosed in August 2018 with Stage 4 Esophageal Cancer and he thought, with the help of Richard Simpson Oil (cannabis), that he would beat it.  I do think it might have given us more time but it didn't save him (or us) from this cruel cancer.

As executor of his estate in a community property state where I am the sole heir, he told me it would be a piece of cake.  Well...he was wrong as it takes so much time to deal with each entity and produce the death certificate, etc. and I'm not done yet!  He also had a home based business that he continued to work in his 70's and while he was ill.  I'm also responsible for notifying vendors, customers, and shutting down the business.  Although all of this is time consuming, it does give me a "to do" list and keeps me busy.  I go about my day to day tasks missing him but the grief hits me at unexpected moments -- like when I'm driving to the county office to change the title on something or when I'm speaking in person with a representative of some entity about his death.  Mostly, people are kind and empathetic and express their condolences. 

What I seem to be having the hardest time with is the way people decide to tell me how to go about grieving.  I used to counsel clients on grief -- I know what it is and platitudes don't help.  The people I appreciate the most are those that tell me they are here for me if I want to talk - in person or by phone.  It's the ones who can't leave it at that who raise my hackles even if I know in their heart they mean well.

I started my grieving when my husband was diagnosed and I learned as a counselor that those who do "anticipatory" grieving often have an easier time of it.  I'm not sure if that will be true for me but I will probably find out.  I suspect when it will really hit me will be after his celebration of life and the kids and grandkids have gone home.  However, I'll still have that "to do" list.

I had a friend send me a message that "there's no right way to do this...just move through it as you feel things.."  Although she is a kind soul, that is not the kind of message I need or want nor do I need to be told I am capable and strong.  I know what I am!  I keep thinking, though, about my husband telling me to "be kind!"  He's still with me reminding me of his many messages.  He was always very intense but as he aged, he mellowed and would melt at the sight of small children and he tried always to be kind - a lesson I'm still learning.  I suspect he'll continue to send me reminders or lessons will continue to come my way to remind me!

What are your thoughts on grieving?  pazt