Grief

Grieving is so personal....My husband of 57 1/2 years died last month.  He was diagnosed in August 2018 with Stage 4 Esophageal Cancer and he thought, with the help of Richard Simpson Oil (cannabis), that he would beat it.  I do think it might have given us more time but it didn't save him (or us) from this cruel cancer.

As executor of his estate in a community property state where I am the sole heir, he told me it would be a piece of cake.  Well...he was wrong as it takes so much time to deal with each entity and produce the death certificate, etc. and I'm not done yet!  He also had a home based business that he continued to work in his 70's and while he was ill.  I'm also responsible for notifying vendors, customers, and shutting down the business.  Although all of this is time consuming, it does give me a "to do" list and keeps me busy.  I go about my day to day tasks missing him but the grief hits me at unexpected moments -- like when I'm driving to the county office to change the title on something or when I'm speaking in person with a representative of some entity about his death.  Mostly, people are kind and empathetic and express their condolences. 

What I seem to be having the hardest time with is the way people decide to tell me how to go about grieving.  I used to counsel clients on grief -- I know what it is and platitudes don't help.  The people I appreciate the most are those that tell me they are here for me if I want to talk - in person or by phone.  It's the ones who can't leave it at that who raise my hackles even if I know in their heart they mean well.

I started my grieving when my husband was diagnosed and I learned as a counselor that those who do "anticipatory" grieving often have an easier time of it.  I'm not sure if that will be true for me but I will probably find out.  I suspect when it will really hit me will be after his celebration of life and the kids and grandkids have gone home.  However, I'll still have that "to do" list.

I had a friend send me a message that "there's no right way to do this...just move through it as you feel things.."  Although she is a kind soul, that is not the kind of message I need or want nor do I need to be told I am capable and strong.  I know what I am!  I keep thinking, though, about my husband telling me to "be kind!"  He's still with me reminding me of his many messages.  He was always very intense but as he aged, he mellowed and would melt at the sight of small children and he tried always to be kind - a lesson I'm still learning.  I suspect he'll continue to send me reminders or lessons will continue to come my way to remind me!

What are your thoughts on grieving?  pazt

Meditation

I am trying to do a daily meditation and a few weeks ago I started reading a daily meditation from Anne Wilson Schaef's small book, "Meditations For Women Who Do Too Much."  It has small one page meditations for every day of the year.  Often it feels to me like it is for women who are recovering from an addiction to alcohol or drugs.  Although I haven't experienced one of those addictions, I do have trouble letting go of "stuff."

Today's mediation (June 10) is entitled "Satisfaction."  The last paragraph really hit me,  It says:

"Sometimes, when I take stock, I only look at what isn't done.  I also need to look at what I have, what's been done, and what's being done."

I have a daily to do list along with scheduled events.  I know realistically that, unless I keep my nose to the grindstone every minute, I am not going to complete every item on that list.  However, I still feel bad about myself when I don't so basically that means I'm feeling bad about myself daily!  What the above paragraph says to me is that I need to instead look at what I have accomplished each day!  So...my new focus is to accept I am realistically unable to do everything on my list so I must prioritize daily and pat myself on the back for what I do accomplish!  Wish me luck in making this change!  pazt

"Castle" - Complete Third Season

I binge watched "Castle," the complete third season, a few nights ago and it was worth it.  I love this show and am sorry it isn't still going but I'll enjoy all the seasons they have to offer.  This one is billed as their most fun season yet and it was!  pazt

"American Wrestler - The Wizard"

I saw the previews for "American Wrestler - The Wizard" when I was watching another DVD recently and it intrigued me enough that I decided to check it out from my local library.  However, it has been sitting in my family room for a week or two as I second guessed myself as to whether this was something I really wanted to watch.

Tonight I decided I'd put it on and, if I didn't like it, I could always stop it.  Well....I found it to be very good and it is based on a true story.  At a time when Americans were being held hostage in Iran and feelings against Iranians were running high with a desire to deport them all (sound familiar), 17 year old Ali Jahani is smuggled out of Iran by his parents to live with his mother's brother in California.

Ali is being sent away because he is considered too small to fight as a regular soldier so he would be used instead to walk into mine fields to clear them for the soldiers.  Having already lost one son, his parents decide he must leave.  He is smuggled safely out of the country and is in northern California 2 weeks later living with his uncle and trying to fit into American life.

Ali speaks Farsi, perfect English, and French (His mother is part French.) and is bright but is taunted by some of the students - particularly some of the athletes because he is Iranian, because he is different -- well some of you know how hard it is to fit into a new high school.

However, the way he wins over everyone is to take up wrestling.  While working with the coach, his uncle (an expert wrestler) is also teaching him at home.  He takes a losing team to the state championships and beccomes a hero to his school and seems to also improve relations with Iranians in his area.

This story is excellently done and very heartwarming.  I do recommend it!  pazt