"Little Failure - A Memoir"

"Little Failure - A Memoir" by author Gary Shteyngart was not particularly an easy read for me but the fact that it was on my library's "Best Picks" list encouraged me to finish it and I'm glad I did.  I've also decided to read one of his novels, too.

Gary was born Igor in 1972 in Leningrad so he's a year younger than my son who was adopted shortly after he was born in 1971.  Although Gary and his family moved to the United States when he was 7 years old (thanks to President Reagan reaching out to exchange grain to Russia in return for their letting Jewish families leave), he continued to struggle with what it was like to be a Russian American and not quite fitting in.  At the same time my son was probably struggling with what it was like to be a biracial child in a white family in a mostly white neighborhood.

Gary's struggles of not quite fitting in with his hand-me-down clothes, learning a new language, no real friends while his parents were working hard to support him and themselves in a new country could probably be the story of any child who has left the country of their birth and emigrated with their family to a new and strange country.  He was lucky that his paternal grandmother (who thought he could do no wrong) also came with them and showered him with food and love after school until his father could pick him up after work.

As an only child, all of his parents hopes are pinned on Gary and their wish for him to get into a prestigious college and become a lawyer or something equally respectable.  I doubt that the word author ever crossed their minds but his maternal grandmother rewarded him for writing stories while he was still in Russia.

Gary was well aware of what was expected of him and also constantly reminded by his parents of the "little failure" they saw him as.  Although the messages he received from them sound cruel, in retrospect I received similar messages from my parents but they weren't spoken out loud.  I grew up feeling that I wasn't good enough and that I didn't have the ability to succeed despite my good grades in school.  I had to keep proving to myself that I was worthy by finishing college and even going on to obtain my master's.  Maybe all parents have a way of conveying their disappointment even when they don't mean to -- was I also that parent?

Gary ended up at Oberlin College -- not the prestigious college his parents had hoped for - and proceeded to drink and smoke his way through a hazy education where he did excel at writing, made friends, and had his first real girlfriend.  I suspect neither one of us impressed our parents!

Out of college Gary found a friend and mentor who supported him in his writing efforts but also had enough "tough love" to get him into therapy ultimately.

In his late thirties and married Gary and his parents return to Leningrad to walk down memory paths and begin to see each other as individuals and adults.  I saw in him the same struggle I had of needing to become independent of parents who never wanted to let me go to lead my own life even after I was married.  I said and did some cruel things trying to force my emancipation while struggling with a love-hate relationship with them.  So...Gary's struggles became my struggles as I read his story but I didn't have the added burdens of having to learn a new language.  Like Gary I knew I was loved by my parents but sometimes that love was smothering.  Unlike Gary I was surrounded by friends and had boyfriends before college. So...my life seems much easier than his.  I wonder what he'd have to say about the hatred being spewed at the moment by some of our presidential candidates about allowing refugees to come to the United States?  pazt