This has been a difficult year for my spouse and I as one by one people we care about have decided it is time to transition. There is a life events chart that I saw when I was a psychology major undergraduate and some of the events are happy events and some are not but they all have the same impact -- If you have several of these events in a year or a short period of time, you are at higher risk to develop illness yourself so it's important to take care of oneself physcially and mentally in this case.
On February 28, 2013, my father died less than a month after turning 92 and after being on hospice care for a week or two. Mentally my father has been absent for over 15 years and was probably mentally deteriorating years before that. He'd gone to the doctor with complaints about his memory not being as good as it once was and his doctor attributed it to normal aging. I had mourned the loss of the man I knew as my father for many years because he was no longer present mentally so I thought his death would have less of an impact on me but I was surprised to find it still very difficult. His service was truly a celebration of his life with my sister sharing memories as well as my younger daughter sharing memories her older sister had written (and asked her to share for her since she couldn't make the long journey from Europe to be present with the rest of the family). The time with extended family that I hadn't seen in years was a true family reunion - just as if my father had orchestrated it.
In March a cousin of my deceased father-in-law died at age 95. She had been like a second mother to my husband and his brother and we were sorry we couldn't make the journey to be at her service. We had just returned from a visit to the area for my father's funeral and to visit my mother-in-law who was recuperating from a bout of pneumonia and were in the midst of preparing for a 3 week visit to see our daughter and family who live in England. This woman was the first of my spouse's many relatives that he took me to meet after we were married and she was always a joy to be around.
When we returned from England, we learned that my mother-in-law, who had asked to be put on Hospice care when we visited her in early March, seemed to have rallied. At age 97 life was holding few pleasures for her since she'd lost the ability to see well enough to read or correspond -- two of her favorite activities. My brother-in-law visited her twice a day and read her mail to her. My spouse had been busy since our return with work but literally received a wake-up call one morning at 6:30 a.m. when my mother-in-law had his brother call so she could ask if we were okay since she wasn't receiving his usual weekly letters! Needless to say his correspondence improved after that.
In May my mother's only brother and a favorite uncle of mine died at age 95 and, again, we were unable to return for his service. Like my mother-in-law, he had lost his eyesight to the point that he couldn't see well enough to read -- one of his favorite activities -- and he was physically very frail. He didn't want to leave his home and I had seen at my father's funeral how exhausted my aunt was from caring for him. I am glad that I'd had the opportunity to visit with him briefly at my father's graveside service.
When we learned July 1st that my mother-in-law might not last the week, I think my husband hoped that she might rally again. However, the timing was good on our part because he'd taken some time off work after having minor outpatient surgery the week before and my part-time job was very slow due to the long holiday weekend so I was able to arrange coverage so that we could make plans to leave on July 3rd. I also wanted to check on my 91 year old mother who had fallen the week before -- no broken bones but severe bruising.
We flew to Kansas City arriving about 3:30 pm on Wednesday, July 3rd. It's an 8 hour plus drive to where my mother-in-law lived so we drove till about 9:30 pm and stopped for the night. When we called my brother-in-law the next morning before setting out on the road again, we learned my mother-in-law had died about 11 pm the night before. My husband's sister and niece were on their way from Texas and would probably arrive about the same time as we did.
Since it was a holiday weekend and we all had other family commitments, too, the decision was made on the afternoon of the 4th that the service would be soon. Visitation at the funeral home with family and friends was 6-8 pm the following night and the service was at 10 am on the morning of the 6th followed by a luncheon served by my mother-in-law's Sunday School class that she'd taught years before. My sister-in-law and niece set out immediately after that for home and a relative who'd made the trip the day before to be there from Tulsa also left. My brother-in-law was in the process of moving from the family home (which had been sold) to Texas and we'd all collected items we wanted that hadn't already been removed from the home. Was it too quick? I think for my husband it might have been because emotionally his grieving started in earnest on the 7th and is continuing still. Although she was 97, it was still hard for all of us to see her go.
A further complication was that July 4th is the anniversary of the service for my sister-in-law's youngest daughter (our niece) who was murdered eight years ago and the person responsible has not yet been found. I'm sure it was particularly hard for my sister-in-law to be dealing with funeral arrangements for her stepmother (with whom she's had a close relationship) on that day. My husband's extended family is also very large and having the service that quickly meant that only those who lived close were able to attend and even some of those were away for the long July 4th weekend.
As we continued our journey towards home, we had another stop to make -- about a ten hour drive to see my mother but interrupting it with an overnight stay and visit with friends. My mother hasn't been sleeping well since my father died and was still in pain from her fall where she landed on her right knee very hard. She has a lot of bruising as well as the pain but when that knee turned red and warm to the touch, she (and we) decided it was time to have it looked at again. She has an inflammation in that knee and has been put on a course of antibiotics for a week. Otherwise, she's in good health physcially and mentally. She lives on her own but in a setting where she has lunch prepared for her daily and she eats with the same friends each day. She also has access to assistance when she is willing to ask for it! If she had her wish, I'm sure it would be for me to live near by. However, my spouse and I love our life and, if we can't be near all of our grandchildren, at least here we're close to four of them and one of our daughters. It's also where we decided we wanted to call home over 30 years ago.
What have I learned from all this?
1) When you have this much loss in a short time, it is important to take care of yourself physcially as well as emotionally. My spouse and I are trying to eat as healthily as possible as well as spend time in conversation with one another at least once a day if not oftener to offer emotional support. Our insurance pays for a Y membership and I accessed that at the end of June and gathered the equipment I need to go work out and the next step (for my physical and emotional health) is to get there! They offer some classes I am very interested in.
2) Although our lives may not always allow us the time we'd like to spend with others, I believe it's important to take advantage of every opportunity you can to be with them and try to be fully present when you are with those you love - whether they're family or friends. We live halfway across the country from most of our parents and siblings so we made the choice to make a yearly visit to see them because we knew our remaining time with them was limited and we've only missed one year that I can remember. It hasn't always been easy financially or emotionally but we've made it happen and I'm not sorry that we did. There were other vacations we would have liked to have taken and more trips to visit our children who don't live near by but I have not regretted the choice we made as we have transitioned from having parents to being the oldest generation ourselves.
We also have friends near and far who are important to us and we were lucky enough to connect with two couples on this most recent trip. They're the kind of friendships where we can sit down and talk as if it hasn't been years since we last saw one another and these connections fill our lives with joy.
My spouse has a group of 3 guys of varying ages that he has coffee with once a week. I have women friends that I connect with regularly for lunch. It allows us our space and our friendships and brings renewed life to our relationship as we share with one another our days events.
3) Take time for your spouse if you're lucky enough to still have one. My spouse and I plan regular getaways because he works from home so we have to physcially leave in order to get him away from work. We connect for lunch out around our busy work days and stop to check in with each other regularly when we're both at home. We really enjoy doing things together as well as having our separate spaces and I cherish that. We've gotten in the habit of watching a DVD together most evenings -- short episodes during the week and movie length on weekends. We cuddle close and enjoy snacks and each other.
4) Spend time with your children and grandchildren. It's hard to do with those that live at a distance but we all make an effort to try to see one another at least yearly as well as correspond via e-mail, snail mail, texts, voice calls, or facebook. What a marvelous world it is that we can stay in touch across vast differences. (By the way it was my mom in her late eighties at the time who introduced me to Facebook!)
We have 2 adult grandchildren that live near us and we make an effort to take them to lunch or dinner together or separately at least every month or two. The two younger grandchildren have activities that we enjoy participating in or watching as well as taking care of them when their parents want a week away or just a date night. My daughter and I frequently have lunch together and/or spend a whole day together when the grandchildren have other activities. We love our time together and even let my spouse/her dad join us on occasion!
I'm sure I'll think of more ideas to add as time goes on because I'm looking for ways to connect with others and stay connected with those I love so I'll have fewer regrets when they're no longer physcially present.
pazt
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment